Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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