How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
