i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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