I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Randomize
