Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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