Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
