Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
