she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I haven't been this sober since birth.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
