Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
