Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Randomize
