Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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