tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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