Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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