You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
