Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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