We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize