alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
