i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
