I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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