i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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