I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
