Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
