As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize