rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
