I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
