I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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