Moan for me like Helen Keller
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
