Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
