Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
