I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just had sex on a roof
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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