listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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