I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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