My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
