I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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