this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
it's great music for shaving your balls
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
