this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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