The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
