Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
