You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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