I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
