Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
