have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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