i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
There's even glitter on my cock...
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