just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize