So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
