I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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