We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize