Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
