he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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