Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Please don't give away my fajitas
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
