Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
