i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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