Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
