it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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