I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
