Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
