i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
