I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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