Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
