6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
sarcasm needs its own font
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
