Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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