as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize