i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
