Dual....:-)
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
