i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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