Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
It's never too late to be topless.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
