It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize