The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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