Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
